52+: An interview with poet Nicci Fletcher on her “heroic journey to the other side of grief”

In all my years as a freelance editor, I’ve cried only twice while working. Both times were in response to material that touched me at a deep level with its raw humanity. One of those projects was the manuscript for Unbreak My Heart, a collection of poems Nicci Fletcher wrote while going through unimaginable losses, facing a life in which she would be childless-not-by-choice (CNBC), and to aid her own healing “to the other side of grief.”

I’m so inspired by how Nicci used her creativity as a tool for healing. And I admire her courage in sharing it with the world, to help others in their healing journeys.

Nicci very graciously agreed to share some of her process with us through this interview. Unbreak My Heart comes out this April. –Kathleen

52N: Unbreak My Heart is an interesting title. Why did you choose this? What does it mean to you?

NF: “Unbreak My Heart” was the second CNBC-related poem that I wrote, coming soon after I’d written “A Million Shards of Dispair.” We [Nicci and her husband] still lived in France then, and French “pop music” is diabolical. So I was listening to a UK radio station whilst I did some gardening. They played “Unbreak My Heart,” and I suddenly found I had tears streaming down my face. Something had really struck a chord, even though the song is about a relationship breakup and I have a very strong marriage.

Even though I was completely overwhelmed by my grief at that time, was crying myself to sleep most nights, I still had hope that, somehow, I would find a way to make my broken heart whole again. I chose the title of that poem to also be the title of book because every poem in the collection has played a part in unbreaking my heart.

52N: When did you first start writing the poems that appear in Unbreak My Heart? What “nudged” you to put pen to paper?

NF: Writing, and poetry in particular, has always been a part of my life. I wrote my first short story before I was five years old. A few years later I was creating poetry in my mind during long car journeys because motion sickness prevented me from reading. Years later I turned to writing poetry when a number of very close family bereavements happened in quick succession. When I realised that I would never have children, I eventually turned to poetry to process my grief because it had helped me in the past. So rather than it being a surprise that I started to write poetry, it’s actually strange that it took me so long to put pen to paper.

52N: You talk about how writing poetry is a form of therapy, a way to help you process and heal your grief from involuntary childlessness. Can you explain what this was like for you?

NF: I have always used writing to help me process thoughts or make decisions. There is something about seeing my thoughts on paper that makes me more self-aware and able to decide on “next steps.”

Poetry has enabled me to write about my grief, without actually writing about death and losses directly. This helped me to express my emotions even though I was feeling overwhelmed by them and was unable to face those emotions directly.

Phyllis Klein from Women’s Therapy Services explains this really well: “Poetry gives rhythm to silence, light to darkness. In poetry we find the magic of metaphor, compactness of expression, use of the five senses, and simplicity or complexity of meaning in a few lines.”

Ultimately, for me, writing poetry is having a conversation where I actually listen to my inner voice, and I find that very cathartic. Poetry contains short yet strategic sentences, which means that every single word is vital. Making changes to a word, or the placement of a word, has a huge impact on the poem as a whole. Polishing a poem to uncover the magic and fine-tuning the metaphors to enable the light to shine through forces me to consider, and reconsider, every element of the piece. Doing this is incredibly intimate and slows down the outside world, enabling me to hear the wisdom my inner voice wishes to share. I “breathe-in experience, and breathe-out poetry” (Muriel Rukeyser).

52N: What nudged you to put this book of very personal poetry out into the world?

NF: When I was very young I had dreams of becoming a journalist or published writer, so I’ve always written with a view to sharing my writing with others. As I’d already written and self-published four books, publishing Unbreak My Heart felt like a very natural step rather than being a terrifying process.

However, because this collection was extremely emotional and raw, I was unsure if other people would want to read it. It can be a little boring being shown photos from someone else’s holiday, and perhaps there would be little interest in reading about someone else’s grief. So I started very tentatively by sharing one of the poems in some of the CNBC support groups to gauge interest.

The reponse was overwhelmingly positive. So I pulled on my “big girl’s pants/knickers” and over the next few years wrote more pieces until I had enough for a book.

52N: At 52Nudges, one of the “rules” is that each Nudge must make us slightly uncomfortable. What in this process of writing and sharing your poetry has been uncomfortable for you, and how did you move through/past this?

NF: The idea of sharing something that was so personal and raw definitely made me feel uncomfortable. I was also uncomfortable when someone in a CNBC support group commented that my words had made them cry. Triggering a negative emotion in someone else was not my intention. Then I realised that the emotional response was because my words had connected with them in a very visceral way. I hadn’t made them cry; the tears were caused because they were feeling overwhelmed by their situation. My words reached through their pain and touched their hearts. That’s a very powerful realisation, one that convinced me that I needed to deal with my own reservations and publish the poetry that could touch so many other people’s hearts.

52N: What kind of impact do you want your book to have?

NF: It would be wonderful if reading my poetry gave comfort and hope to anyone feeling overwhelmed by their CNBC grief. When I first discovered that I was unlikely to be able to have children, I felt so isolated. All of my friends had children and were often so focused on raising their growing families that I felt invisible. When I did talk to them, I frequently felt misunderstood, because it’s hard to understand a complex grief when you haven’t experienced it personally.

So I hope this book makes other people who are CNBC feel heard and seen. Perhaps they will even feel confident enough to give the book to family and friends, saying “Please read this. Nicci’s poetry portrays the raw and overwhelming grief that I am going through. It will help you understand my grief more.”

I also hope people will read my poetry if they are looking for resources to help them be more supportive of a CNBC friend. My situation, my experiences, my grief will be different to that of their friend; however, there are so many common themes across the wide range of reasons for being CNBC, that my poetry will still give them useful insights into how to support their friend.

Unbreak My Heart: A Heroic Journey to the Other Side of Grief by Nicci Fletcher will be released on April 16, 2024. You’ll find it on Amazon.

To learn more about Nicci Fletcher and her work in “Creating a New, Beautiful, and Courageous Existence,” visit canbace.com.